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Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for our dog at
Tesco and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog.
On impulse at this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn't have
a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably
shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story).
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.
I told her no; I had stepped off a curb to sniff a Irish Setter's butt
and a car hit us both.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
The Nurse in a rather patronising voice replied slowly "Is this her first child?"
Offended the man replied even more patronisingly and even more slowly "No..this.. is.. her.. husband!"
I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.
I never really got along with my real ladder.
My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
He's just called S now.
The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account.
We've been training really hard for the London marathon lately...
The training's quite easy - you just stand on the side of the road shouting at people going past.
I have a short friend who is in the Police force, he's only 4ft 6", bless him, but everyone at his work has give him the nickname Laptop.
Why?
Because he's a small PC!!
A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas.
The receptionist asks "Do you have a reservation?"
I turned to the wife the other night and said "I'm going down the pub, get your coat"
"Thats nice, you gonna buy me a drink?" she asked.
"No, I'm turning the heating off"
An elderly lady goes into the doctor.........
"Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop dropping my guts all the time. In fact, since I've been standing here I must have parped least 20 times."
"Yeah? No kidding...?" says the doctor with a a tear in his eye.......................The doc says "I've got just the stuff." and gives her some pills. "Here take these for 10 days, then return for a follow up appointment."
So she takes the pills and returns 10 days later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still quacking just as much! They still don't make any noise, but now they smell awful!"
The doctor nodded, "Great, now that we've your sinuses cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
'Did you see me Rob this Bank?'
The customer replies 'Well, yes!'
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,
'DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?'
The man calmly responds, 'No, but my wife did.'
Whats black and white and looks like a horse?
A zebra.
Tip2: DOG OWNERS. Never lose your TV remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.
Tip1: RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.
A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with vicks vapour rub.
Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.
How many members of U2 does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just bono.........He holds it and the world revolves around him.
Why men are not agony aunts...
Dear Neville ,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Nev
A man wakes up on a deserted island only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple. He cried: "Oh no, I've been marooned!"
There is a job in the newspaper that say its requirements are: Bilingual, mathematical and good with computers.
So one day a dog walks in to the office of the place that is offering with a note in his mouth saying he can do all the things asked and he drops this note on the desk of the receptionist.
The receptionist is astounded by this and calls the manager immediately. The manager comes down and says "alright then you'll have to prove your claim"
Then he says "ok firstly you have to be good with computers." The dog then runs to the computer behind the desk and types up his CV.
Then the manager says "Very good. But you've got to be mathematical and we've got a test to see about that. You've got and hour to complete it." The manager then puts the test in the dogs mouth and the dog wanders off.
The dog comes back an hour later and gives the test to the manager. The manager quickly marks I and says "Exceptional 100%. But you've also got to be Bilingual" the dog then replies "Meow"
I stopped at a friend's house the
other day and found him stalking around
with a fly-swatter.
When I asked if he was getting any flies,he answered: 'Yeah,
three males and two females.'
Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said:
'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'
A guy goes to the psychiatrist, "What seems to be the problem" the pschiatrist asks. I keep thinking I'm a dog" the guy says. "How long have you felt like this?" he asks. "Ever since I was a puppy" the guy replies. "Ok lie down on the couch" he says. The guy replies "I'm not allowed on the couch"
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting him for Xmas?
He felt his Presents!!
A customer is ordering food in an indian restaurant
"waiter,what's this chicken tarka?"
the waiter replies,"its the same as chicken tikka,but its a little 'otter."
I went to the Video Shop the other day. I said "can I take out Batman Forever"
They said "No, you have to bring it back tomorrow"
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
I was expecting an important telephone call the other night, so I slept with my mobile phone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone and all there was in its place was a shiny new fifty pence piece. Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.
I bet you know someone like this:
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop
She was jubilant !!!!!!!
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you'll now be his carer !"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg
He's dead. What did you buy?"
The Unforgettable Elephant Story...
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya
after graduating from Oxford University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.Twenty years later, Dan was walking through Dudley Zoo with his
teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the
ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back
in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one
of Dans legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant ! (Graham)
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Rubbish! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
ANNOY and frustrate SpecSavers staff by wandering up to their counter, squinting your eyes whilst looking up at the price board, and when they ask if they can help you, saying "Big Mac Meal, please".
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
A man and his wife are woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is standing in the pouring rain.
"Excuse me mate", he asks, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I don't suppose you could help me out - I need a push!
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, puts a coat over his dressing gown, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swings!" he replies.
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.
Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."
"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.
"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
Q. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A. A carrot. (Clive) .